Everything is Just Fine

So maybe, just maybe, people read my blog and think I'm an angry person. Apparently my mother is one of these people. Here's that conversation (and don't judge me, I couldn't get the proper format for dialogue in this program):

 

"Hey mom, I love you so much. Did you read my latest blog post? I hope it's to your liking. I     

really only ever want to make you proud of me."

"I did, and I hate it. You seem so bitter and unhappy all the time. Why are you so angry? Why can't you be happy, and decent, and wonderful like my other daughter, who gave me my beautiful granddaughter who can also do no wrong in my eyes? Then maybe I'd buy you a horse, or put in a pool for you."
 

Perhaps that's not how it really went; and perhaps someday I will get over the fact that my sister had a pony when we were little, or that my parents just put in a pool for my niece. Stranger things have happened.

But you get the point - I have a penchant for exaggeration.

I'm a happy, loving, wonderful person who loves my life and family and friends and dog and on and on, I just love to exaggerate. Couple that with a low bull shit tolerance, and outspoken nature and this makes me seem a little angry sometimes; but I'm not... I swear... everything in life is great... honest...So lay off, mom!

Sheesh.

The Death of Common Decency

Let me start this post off by saying I love Chicago. I love the big city. I love that there is always something interesting going on; I appreciate that even if I'm just sitting on my couch with Oreo. Hey, at least I have the option! I love the diverse neighborhoods filled with interesting people, and cultural learning opportunities.

But there is one group of Chicagoans I absolutely hate.

I'm talking, of course, about fellow El riders. For those of you not in the know, the "El" is the train portion of Chicago's public transportation nightmare. It is shortened from the word "elevated", because most of the lines are, in fact, elevated (rather than underground like the subway of New York). These people come in every race, shape, creed, color and scent known to man, and they all deserve to be pushed right off the platform.

Never mind the fact that I am forced to sit, or more likely stand, somewhere I know someone has urinated or defecated at one point or another. Never mind the guy walking up and down the aisles preaching about Jesus and trying to save me. Ignore the Native American guy who is (stereotypically) drunk and yelling "white man" in my ear and going on about how I stole his land and raped his women (true story, folks). These things I can chalk up to inadequate mental health resources and/or the state of the economy. I feel empathy and patience for these people.

The people I am talking about are the four business men, of about 30 years of age who stepped directly in front of me as I patiently waited for people to exit the train this morning. They pushed passed those exiting, in front of me, and took the last little space on that particular car. I'm talking about the guy who makes his business call right next to me on my morning commute, obnoxiously yelling about whether to buy or sell, and laughing like a jackass. (Doesn't he know that the rush hour commutes are to be silent? It's an unspoken rule, people!). I'm also talking about the able bodied people who sit in their seats by the door, ignoring the pregnant or elderly person who they just saw get on the train. I'm speaking directly to the guys who sit, with their legs in a wide V formation, taking up half my seat as if to show the world how large their testicles are.

These people, my fellow Chicagoans, who suffer not from mental health issues, or poor hygiene due to lack of adequate housing; suffer from the greatest disease plaguing man and woman kind today. It's a lack of common courtesy. I see it every day, so many times a day doors are not held for me, I am cut off, and I am forced to listen to other peoples music and conversations about herpes.

Every day I fight the battle in my head about whether to do what is courteous, and continue trying to lead by example and being utterly frustrated with life, or to become the same selfish and ignorant asshole I am surrounded by.  I feel myself losing this battle a little more each day.

If you can't beat them, join them, right?

One Away

I was sitting on the train yesterday, having just had all these conversations with friends who are adding to their families, or getting married, or working their dreams jobs, and I was having a sad/contemplative moment. I look up and see a cute guy (one whom I've never seen since I was taking an earlier train that day). We made eye contact so I smiled briefly and looked away, out the window, blushing. Let me stop right there and address the skeptical look on your face. I am shy. I am loud and obnoxious and outgoing, but when it comes to attractive men, I am socially awkward, blushy and ridiculous.

As I looked out the window contemplating my utter lack of charm, I thought about how comfortable I am in my new (slimmer) life, and how I want to be moving forward and start thinking about adding people to it. Let me say that I'm happy in my life and perfectly content to be single, but I'm no spring chicken (as they would say seventy years ago) and I need to start being a little more pushy in getting myself out in the world if I want things to change.

I had never seen this cute guy before, but I had never taken this train before. I suddenly had an epiphany that all it takes is one moment to change your life. In the past few years this has manifested in a negative way. There have been moments when things change in an instant and they've all been bad. But this doesn't have to be the case. It dawned on me that life can be changed for the better in an instant too. Maybe that smile could have turned in to a conversation, and a date and on and on. Maybe (as was this case) it was just a nice moment and nothing more.

I spend so much time on the same trains, and in the same bars, going to the same events with the same people, and obviously it's not moving me forward (surprising that hanging out with all married/attached friends isn't helping me in my relationship search, huh?!). My routine makes me feel like I'm so far away from my future; but really I'm just one change away from everything I've dreamed.

So what can I change today?